


Breaking the Bed, and Other Sexy Mistakes

by Hinn_Raven



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Awkward Sexual Situations, Awkwardness, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, First Time, Humor, M/M, Multi, RvB Kinkmas, Threesome - F/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-25
Updated: 2017-07-25
Packaged: 2018-12-06 19:45:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11607699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hinn_Raven/pseuds/Hinn_Raven
Summary: Sometimes your first time having a sex with someone (or two someones, in this case) is a magical time. Kai, Tucker, and Wash are finding otherwise.





	Breaking the Bed, and Other Sexy Mistakes

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bizarrebird](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bizarrebird/gifts).



> MERRY KINKMAS TO ALL, and particularly to my secret Santa, who gave me the opportunity to write awkward, funny Suckington. MERRY KINKMAS DIANA I HOPE YOU ENJOY

It all really started when Tucker tripped over the bed.

In Tucker’s defense, the bed had not been there a moment ago, because Wash had just moved it, because the room the two of them were sharing involved two single beds, and those were not really appropriate for two people to have sex on, let alone three.

Kai tilted her head as Tucker went ass over teakettle, landing sprawled over the pillows and headboard in a way that looked somewhere between moderately uncomfortable to mildly painful. “Are we going to break the bed? I mean, I’ve got a can of glitter in my bag somewhere if we’re doing the Twilight roleplay, but dibs on not playing the virgin, because—”

“We’re not doing a Twilight roleplay,” Wash said, looking like he was trying not to laugh.

“Vampires are a _total_ boner killer,” Tucker agreed. He was in the process of rearranging his limbs to try to sprawl sexily across the bed, but the end result was mostly him holding his completely clothed leg in the air while his head swiveled to either side of the bed to stare at Wash or Kai in turn.

Kai laughed, and shucked off her shirt, shorts, and bra in short order, before jumping onto the bed to join Tucker.

It might have gone better had the wheels of the two beds been locked in place.

“ _Ouch_!”

“FUCK.”

“Shit! Are you two—”

“Woo-hoo! Second base!”

“Wash,” Tucker’s voice was vaguely muffled, stuffed as his face was between Kai’s breasts. “I’m in heaven.”

“Yeah, well, if you’re not going to motorboat, you should probably move, cuz all I’ve got a handful of are your knees,” Kai complained.

Wash peered over the bed to inspect the two of them. Kai’s breasts _were_ incredibly distracting, he could hardly fault Tucker for being sidetracked. And then Kai got Tucker’s shirt off, and Wash was doubly distracted. All the training Wash had been making Tucker do had paid off, and he found himself appreciating it even more as Kai started making short work of Tucker’s sweatpants, revealing the loudly proclaimed glamorous calves.

“Get off the floor and get the bed back in place,” Wash forced himself to say, pretending that his mouth hadn’t gone completely dry at the sight of the two of them in their underwear.

“Ooh,” Kai fluttered her eyelashes innocently and wiggled her eyebrows seductively, a hilariously strange combination that did fascinating things to Wash’s dick. “Yes, _sir._ ”

They pushed the bed back into place, and when it was ready, Kai sat down on the bed, staring at Wash with a smirk. “Now,” she said. “Take it _off!_ ” She threw her hands into the air, and Tucker started to cheer and catcall. Rolling his eyes, Wash complied and started to strip out of his jeans.

That’s when Kai threw her bra at him. It was a beige, plain thing, built for support more than anything else, and Wash blinked, baffled, as it hung over his head like a bizarre nightcap. “No,” Kai said, crossing her arms. “Do it sexy! There’s no fun in doing it _normally_.”

Staring at her blankly, Wash slowly reached for the hem of his shirt and started to raise it up, exposing his abs slowly. Kai and Tucker immediately began to cheer loudly, and Tucker’s t-shirt and Kai’s shorts joined her bra in being thrown at Wash to encourage the striptease.

Wash briefly tried to remember what exactly it was that made him decide that having sex with these two was a good idea. But then he caught a glimpse of Tucker’s abs and Kai’s breasts again and remembered his atrocious dual crushes, and finally pulled his shirt over his head with a dramatic flare that caused Kai’s panties to hit him in the face.

As it got Kai out of her last article of clothing, Wash really couldn’t find it in himself to complain. He shimmied out of his skinny jeans as best he could, but he figured he’d done okay, because Tucker grabbed him by the waist when he was down to his underwear and yanked him close for a kiss.

Which was, of course, when their foreheads collided in a very un-sexy headbutt.

“ _Fuck_!” Wash and Tucker yelled in unison, both of them jerking back, clutching their respective foreheads.

While the two of them cursed luck, each other, and their general existence, Kai debated starting herself, glancing at her abandoned purse by the door, which contained her emergency vibrator and nipple clamps.

“Don’t you dare,” Wash said, spotting where she was looking. Wash knew the exact contents of Kai’s purse due to an incident several months ago, when he’d gone looking for a band-aid to help Caboose and instead discovered the cockring she carried in her tampon bag, among with the normal goodies.

“You’re no fun,” she said, sprawling out on the pillows, and raising her arms just so to emphasize her breasts. Wash’s eyes immediately jumped from her face to her chest, then back up, his face blushing absolutely crimson. Kai sighed, grabbed Tucker’s hands, and pressed them to her chest. “Are we having sex soon?” She demanded. “Otherwise I bet the medic guy—”

“You’d fuck _Doc_?”

“—and the lightish-red guy would be up for a threesome—”

“Isn’t Donut—”

“Because I,” Kai said loudly, talking over Wash with determination. Tucker, meanwhile, was transfixed by her chest, and was starting to explore it with his hands, “Was promised a threesome with two hot guys, and I intend to collect!”

Wash ducked his head and started laughing, pressing his hand to his forehead. “Well,” he said finally, when he could breathe again. By then Tucker had moved to straddle Kai, and was experimentally playing with her nipples. “I know it’s rude to keep a lady waiting.”

“Who’s a fucking lady in here?” Kai demanded. “Now get on the bed!”

“Technically,” Tucker pointed out, grinning as he made Kai gasp by pinching her left nipple. “There’s two beds.”

“Well he better get on one of ‘em, because I’ve got a tape measure in my bag, and I need to figure out which of you—”

“ _Kai_ ,” Wash said, sounding pained, even as he threw his boxers to one side and climbed onto the bed.

“Well, _fine_.” Kai sniffed. “I guess I’ll ride Tucker then.”

“Ha! In your _face_ , Wash! Or Kai’s face? Fuck, how do we do this?”

“Are you telling me you’ve never had a threesome before?” Wash said dryly. “And here I thought you banged an entire bachelorette party.”

“Dude, I _told you_ that the groom beat me up!” Tucker protested.

Kai pushed Tucker up slightly. “Well, how do you two normally do it?” She asked, perfectly sensible. “We can just spice that up with a little taco, if you know what I mean!”

Wash spluttered. “We don’t—we’ve never—”

Tucker stared at Kai. “Kai? Did you think we were already banging?”

“Wait, you’re not! Shit! I owe Carolina twenty bucks!”

“KAI!”

“ _What_? You two got a room together!”

“With two singles!”

“Pff, you can totally fuck on a single. I once fucked three girls in a hammock. It was _awesome_.”

“Wait, what?”

“Ugh, _fine_ , just get that dick over here. We’ve gotta get this foreplay train going.”

Wash stared at her, disbelieving and awestruck.

“You have a… remarkably straightforward approach to sex, don’t you?”

“ _Duh_ ,” Kai said, offended. “Now get over here so I can suck your dick.”

Wash blushed crimson at that, but shuffled forward on his knees. Kai grinned up at him brightly, shoving Tucker off her, sending him sprawling to the floor.

“Kai!”

“Oh, he’s fine.”

“Baby don’t hurt me no more,” Tucker muttered from the floor. “Unless you’ve got a riding crop in that purse, in which case, hurt me lots.”

“Nah, that’s in the other purse,” Kai said, pushing Wash onto his back.

“Hey, don’t sixty-nine without me!”

“You can’t sixty-nine with three people!” Wash protested. “That’s not how it works!”

“Don’t be boring,” Kai said. “Well I’m sitting on _someone’s_ face—”

“Dibs!” Tucker yelled, scrambling back onto the bed. “Fucking _dibs_ , suck my dick Wash—”

“Is that logistically possible on a bed this size?” Wash wondered, before Kai made another dismissive noise, and sucked his dick into her mouth.

In Wash’s defense, it had been a _very_ long time since anyone had sucked him off, so he couldn’t really be held accountable for the embarrassingly loud shout, the jolt of his hips, or the way he clenched the sheets so hard in his hands that he basically ripped it out of it’s made state single-handedly.

Snickering at Wash, Tucker tried to take his position between Kai’s legs, but Wash’s hips jerked up again, and Kai spluttered as he hit the back of her throat accidentally, and she kicked Tucker again. Taking the safe route, Tucker carefully knelt on the back of her legs, and chose to use his fingers rather than his mouth.

Kai let out an appreciative moan as Tucker’s fingers found her clit. Wash was panting, eyes screwed shut, trying hard not to move as Kai moved her mouth up and down his shaft, while Tucker continued to play with Kai’s clit and labia. Kai felt bad for ever doubting that Tucker didn’t know how to use those hands of his, because _fuck_ , that felt good. Kai decided to let Wash know that by dragging her tongue up along the sensitive underside of his dick, which made Wash shout again.

“Gotta hold still Wash,” Tucker teased, reaching around with his other hand and finding Kai’s breast. Kai hummed approvingly around Wash’s dick and Wash gave a full body shudder, desperately trying not to move.

Wash, in that moment, realized he wasn’t doing anything to assist either Tucker or Kai to get off, and dug into his slightly blurry memories of things that Kai and Tucker had told him that he’d done that was sexy.

In that moment Wash made what could be technically classified as a _mistake_.

“Well then,” Wash said, in the voice of one Colonel Sarge. “Ain’t this a sight.”

Kai let out a muffled shriek that made Wash think she was choking again, but she pulled off Wash’s dick with an obscene noise and immediately started _howling_ with laughter.

Tucker was laughing just as hard, burying his face in Kai’s hair.

“What?” Wash said, flushing brightly.

“You’re such a _nerd_ ,” Kai managed to say, shoulders shaking with merriment.

Wash decided to shelve the impressions and instead reached over to kiss Kai. Kai smiled against his mouth, fingers exploring his chest as she pushed him back until he was flat on the bed, moving to straddle him.

“Hmm,” Kai said, tilting her head to one side as she finally stopped kissing Wash, craning her head to look at Tucker.

“We totally need a new game plan here, and since the cop forgot his handcuffs and nightstick—”

“I’m not a—” Kai pressed a hand over his mouth.

“—we’re _totally_ going to have to think of something cuz I’m pretty sure I want to ride a dick but I dunno if you two are into anal, and if not are we just doing some handsies cuz—”

“We’re doing it up the butt?” Tucker asked, sounding intrigued.

Wash licked Kai’s palm to make her remove her hand. She did so with an indignant shriek and a glare that would put her brother to shame. “ _Tucker_.”

“What! It’s fun, I just don’t know if we’ve got the lube!”

Kai snorted loudly. “ _Please_. Purse, grey bag.” Casually, she reached down and wrapped a hand around Wash’s dick, making him shout and buck up into her. “What do you think?” she asked Wash softly, while Tucker dumped out Kai’s purse. “Want to fuck that ass?”

Wash’s mind went absolutely blank at that process, and he moaned loudly as Kai continued to stroke him, smirking as she watched him fall to pieces underneath her.

Tucker emerged with a bejeweled green bag and scrambled back up onto the bed. Tucker coated his fingers and began to work himself open, while Wash worked up the presence of mind to find Kai’s clit with his thumb and forefinger and began to play with it. Kai let out a low, loud moan at that, bending down to kiss Wash messily.

“Yeah,” Kai said as she finally pulled away, smirking. “You’re _definitely_ gonna fuck me later.”

Wash swallowed dryly as Kai turned away from him to check on Tucker. “You ready?” Kai asked him, grinning.

“Fuck. Yeah.” Tucker’s grin was ear to ear as he sat up on his knees. Kai positioned herself so she was straddling his legs in a slight squat,  just hovering over his dick, grabbing it by the base to line herself up.

They both turned to Wash, who hadn’t moved, just staring at the two of them. “Well?” Tucker asked impatiently. “Are you coming? Bow-chicka-bow-wow.”

Wash flushed brightly but obligingly climbed over, kneeling between Tucker’s spread legs. Swallowing, Wash began to line himself up with Tucker’s entrance. Kai leaned over Tucker’s shoulder and pecked him briefly on the mouth. “Relax,” she said. “You cops are always too uptight.” And with that she rolled her hips down onto Tucker’s dick. Tucker let out a shout and bucked up into her. Laughing, Kai cupped his face in her hands, kissing him thoroughly. The sight was almost enough to make Wash forget what he was supposed to be doing.

Almost.

Wash gripped Tucker’s hips and pressed a soft kiss to the back of his neck, above Tucker’s implant site. “Are you ready?”

“Dude, fucking do it already,” Tucker gasped.

Wash nodded and slowly began to push in. He was just trying to make sure he didn’t hurt Tucker, but the noises Tucker was making made taking his time absolutely worth it. A symphony of gulps, gasps, and moans worked their way out of Tucker’s throat as Kai continued to ride him like her life depended on it, while Wash inched his way in.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Tucker reached back and grabbed at Wash’s hand where it rested on his hip. Taking the hint, Wash let go and squeezed Tucker’s hand instead. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, Wash, your _dick._ Fuck, fuck, _fuuuuuuck_.”

Kai laughed, and grinned at Wash brightly. “Bet you he screams my name when he comes,” she said, dropping her hips down with a determination that Wash had to admire. Her chest bounced as she did so, a thoroughly distracting sight for both Wash and Tucker.

“No bet,” Wash murmured, but he took the hint and started to pick up his own pace.

Tucker was lost in the sensations, shuddering between the two of them. He still held onto Wash’s hand with his right, but he grabbed Kai’s hip with his left hand and began to press kisses along her collarbone and neck. Kai moaned loudly at that, so Tucker figured she liked it. Wash, meanwhile, was fucking him faster and faster as he went, finally finding a rhythm that he liked, all the while making noises that were fucking obscene and _loud_. Wash pressed his lips against Tucker’s shoulder blades and there was something there, something tender and soft and adoring that Tucker didn’t know how to deal with, just like he didn’t know how to deal with the way his stomach swooped when Kai laughed or the way she had kissed Wash like he was something precious right before Wash had started to fuck him.

Tucker was never going to last long, not like this, and he came with a loud shout, tilting his head back to the ceiling as he made sure he didn’t say _either_ name, even as he continued to fuck up into Kai. But Kai wasn’t far behind him, arching forward so that her hair tumbled over her shoulders as she practically fell into Tucker’s arms, her own shout ringing in his ears.

Looking at them as Kai began to smile softly at Tucker, peppering his face with kisses as she went, was the last straw for Wash, who rocked back as he came, biting his tongue to try to stifle the noise. The movement was too much for the beds, which immediately rolled apart, creating a gap in the middle, right where the three of them had been kneeling.

“ _Motherfuck_!” Tucker howled.

“No, it’s sisterfuck,” Wash correctly blearily as he lay sprawled out on the cement floor, wondering if he had a concussion.

“Ha! I knew it!” Kai yelled. “You _do_ have a sense of humor!”

“Okay,” Tucker said, putting his hands over his eyes. “Can we go see if we can get a room with only _one_ bed? Preferably one that doesn’t _move_?”

Kai propped herself up by the elbows, using Tucker’s abs as her resting place. “We can always just fuck on the floor.”

“We’re not doing _anything_ until we’ve cleaned up,” Wash said.

“Pfff,” Kai snorted dismissively, but Tucker grabbed Wash’s face and kissed him silly. So there was that.


End file.
